It’s that time of the year when everyone starts posting their family photos and sending out Christmas cards. I followed suit and posted some family photos that were taken of me and my boys this fall. The comments flew in quickly about how precious and beautiful the pictures were. The mix of gorgeous fall colors and smiling adorable children were enough to make anyone swoon. Our photographer Erin did an amazing job. She was able to make the love that we share shine through the camera. The photos turned out to be frame worthy and will be displayed for years to come in all their glory. However, there is a story behind these perfect pictures. A story that is not so beautiful or perfect.
The story behind these beautiful pictures goes as follows : The hour leading up to our photo shoot was chaos in all senses of the word. We had guests at our house up to the very minute we left. My three year old was exhausted and refused to wear the carefully coordinated outfit I had chosen for him weeks before. My 5 year old had grown overnight and his jeans no longer fit. My stress level started rising. As we were running late to the shoot, my toddler fell asleep and got precisely a ten minute nap. He was forced to wake up and needless to say he was not camera ready. He protested hard enough and long enough for it to become clear we were not going to be able to make this happen. The tears starting welling up as I had really counted on getting these pictures done. I had given up all hope and was feeling quite humiliated. As I tried to make our escape, I learned that my van’s battery was dead and I couldn’t go anywhere for awhile. Another family had come and gone and we were still sitting in the parking lot an hour later crying and cold. Then in a moment, things began to turn around. After those 2 hours of struggle, the light broke through! Our photographer seized the moment and the results are what you can see today on my social media pages and in this post. She was able to take a very messy day and produce something beautiful and lasting. It didn’t take long for me to follow this metaphor into my real life.
Today I have a beautiful family, 2 jobs that I love, great friendships and community. I am provided and cared for. I live with strong hope and faith. You may catch me at the gym or at Starbucks moving forward with life and pursuing future goals. I laugh a lot and can find joy in the simple things. I am raising two healthy, happy, little boys. I have tasted amazing grace and have learned the power of God’s presence. I can speak with confidence in the faith I hold on to. What you see today is not the full story. The beauty you see has risen out of three very long hard years. Often people say things like “ Don’t look back” or “The past is in the past” as a way of pushing forward in life and staying positive. I agree that looking in the rearview mirror all the time won’t get you to where you need to go. But I would also argue that one cannot fully appreciate the beauty of where they are now unless they acknowledge and remember from whence they came.
As I sit here in 2019 and flip through my journaled pages from December 2016 and beyond and I read a more complete and accurate story. I read through the dark times and see my cries out to God asking him why he allowed all this pain in my life. I can see literal tear stains on the pages and I can feel the anguish flowing out of them. The hope is small, and at times missing completely. Anger and anxiety run all through these pages. Depression seeps out. At the same time, I can start to piece the puzzle together page by page seeing glimpses of God’s grace and healing as time moves on. I can read about joy and the presence of God I experience often. Three years ago, I couldn’t begin to imagine that I would survive this intense of heartbreak, let alone be able to move forward in it. I couldn’t imagine creating something beautiful from my hopeless and disastrous situation. However, my God is bigger than my pain and He knows the whole story. He can turn things around and redeem the awful. He is the God who makes beauty from ashes. He is always at work. I can look at these beautiful pictures of my family framed on my wall today and remember that in the middle of that photo shoot I had given up all hope. In the middle of that shoot, I could not imagine anything beautiful coming out of it. Yet here it is hanging on my wall on display for all to see. The same could be said about the life I am living today
It’s good to know the difficult story behind the camera because it increases the gratitude for the beautiful photo results that show up in front of the camera. It makes it all that more appreciated. In the same way we appreciate a movie so much more when we see the behind the scenes footage and learn all that goes into making a film. Or a house you live in if you were the one swinging the hammers and painting the walls. When we understand the challenges and difficulties that are behind someone’s story and see where God has brought them now, how much more can we give glory to our great God? When we think back to our own stories and see how God has carried us through to today, gratefulness will not be manufactured but authentically reciprocated. Today marks three years exactly from a confession that shook my earth and altered the course of my life. Last night I knelt on my living room floor and fell face down in worship as I replayed the last few years out. I have spent countless sleepless nights on this floor pouring my heart out and desperately clinging to hope. I haven’t figured out how to do this single mom life well, but I have figured out how much I need Jesus. His strength, grace and love have always and will always be there. I can look back to the hardest moments of loneliness and loss and be grateful as they have shaped and grown my faith in ways I never could have imagined. Don’t forget or reduce the suffering and the heartbreak that has happened in the past, for they are teachers that lead us into worship. Acknowledging the difficult past is a valuable ingredient for appreciating the present. Today I give praise to God for walking through the last 3 years with me. I thank all those who also walked with me and encouraged me in this journey. Each kind word or thoughtful gift did not go unnoticed. I am very blessed to be surrounded by so much support and love. Looking back has helped me move forward.
Psalm 94:18-19 – When I thought, “my foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up