The past few years I have gotten on the bandwagon of choosing a “word of the year”. In 2023, I chose the word “courage” and in fact that year I did many courageous things like apply for a new job, move into my own place, and graduate with my masters degree. Last January as I was praying for the the right word, the word that kept coming up was TRUST. Trust is one of my least favorite words. Needless to say after all I have gone through, trust does not come easy for me. Yet that word kept coming at me and despite me fighting against it, it seemed like God wanted to teach me something about trust in 2024. So I declared it my journal and it was offical.
The entire year I wrestled with this word trying to figure out how exactly I was supposed to embrace it. I started the new year off dating someone new. He was the first person in a long time that I was genuinely excited about. Handsome, local, established in his job, his faith was important to him, a recent widower with young kids. True potential was upon me! However, my trust issues are gargantuan in the area of dating, and so I obviously thought God was pushing me to take down those walls and begin to trust more. After 3 months dating, I was feeling like this could finally be something special, yet without any warning or conversations, he ended it all in a quick text message. Poof, in one moment all that hope and trust I had cautiously allowed to seep in just seemed ridiculous, like a cruel joke I fell for.
A few months later, I began dating someone else. Another handsome local Christian man who was a very active father in his kids lives. Should I try this trusting concept again? That must be why I was given this word trust right? Well like clockwork, 3 months into dating and without any warnings another break up text came my way. Also can we all acknowledge that grown men in their 30’s and 40’s should not be breaking up with women via text message?
Well after that failed relationship, I started to figure that trusting men was not the reason that God put that word on my heart for the year. So where did this word trust come into play for my year. Of course, the obvious answer that you might be thinking is that I was supposed to be trusting God. Yet, God and I have wrestled over the last decade or more of my life with what it truly means to trust Him. I have strong opinions about using that phrase as a way to expect all good things will happen and your circumstances will change. Too many times in my Christian life, I have heard people say things like ” Trust God, He can heal. Trust God, He will protect you. Trust God, He will bring the perfect man for you when you least expect it. Trust God, He will save your marriage. Trust God, He will get you that job. Trust God, he will bring you a rainbow baby.” The list goes on, all with good intentions, but with lack of any true biblical guarantees. Trusting God to make our lives great and get rid of any difficult circumstances is far from biblical. We can pray with all our might for these things, and we should, but there’s no promises that if we trust God enough we will get what we want.
Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in trusting God, and I have written about it multiple times before. Please check previous blogs… So I have wrestled enough with this phrase, that I genuinely knew that this word trust wasn’t just about God wanting me to trust Him more in 2024. I already trusted that He is always working and redeeming in my life. I already trusted that He is good on His promise to never leave or forsake me in any circumstance. I already trusted that He is near to the broken hearted. I already trusted that He is the way the truth and the life. So of course there is always room to grow in this area, I just knew that wasn’t the message I was supposed to be leaning into in this moment.
On November 13th I journaled that I still had no idea why trust was given to me as my word of the year. The next day, I was at my monthly courageous women’s support group discussing the changes that were coming ahead for me in 2025 and all the fears I have about it. I was worried that I would make decisions that weren’t wise or best for our family. I was worried that I didn’t know what I was doing in so many areas. Then my very wise friend Bekah affirmed she had felt all the same things regarding her divorce and how her family helped her stay strong and trust her instincts. As she was talking, it was like I had a full revelation moment and the scales had been removed from my eyes. “I don’t trust myself! This year has been all about learning to trust myself!” Everything seemed to fall into place for me in that moment.
I took major leaps in dating this year. I wasn’t supposed to learn to trust men, but I had learned to trust myself about what I want and need in a relationship. I had learned to listen to that inner voice when I felt uncomfortable instead of just calling myself crazy. When after over a decade of suffering from anxiety and “trusting God” to heal me”, I finally made an appointment and tried medication for the first time this summer, changing my life significantly. I finally trusted myself and realized that I needed to invest in my mental health. When I went to the southern border in October to learn about the migrant crisis, I learned to trust myself in knowing what is important to me and how my faith should take action no matter how “controversial” it may look to others. At work last year, I gained so many new skills and learned to trust that I am competent and capable in my position. In parenting, I have learned to trust myself in knowing what’s best for my kids and advocating for them when I need to. The list could go on, but I was finally able to make the connections for all the ways I had learned to trust myself this year.
I have not always been able to see the good in trusting myself. I was taught to doubt if anything inside of me was trustworthy at all. I walk into 2025 learning to trust the ways that I have grown over the last year. I am still trying to decipher what I want to focus on as my new word for the new year, but I sure as heck hope it doesn’t take me until November to figure out what it means ! (and if single handsome local man just happens to be the reason for one of those words, I won’t complain)
Sound of Surviving 