Punching Back

His hand was over my mouth to cover my screams. His body on top of mine, punching my face and head into submission and quiet. I knew what this stranger wanted, but I refused to give it. I would not let this man overcome me without a fight. At every chance I could, with every ounce inside of me, I punched back. He knew he was stronger and had all the power. He did not expect the struggle. He expected me to relent under his strength to get what he so selfishly desired. Yet, one blow to his face knocked him off releasing his grip as I tried to roll away and flee. Only milliseconds later, his fist hits the back of my head and I am thrown across the room into the tables and chairs on the other side. My mind is running a million miles a second. Wasn’t only a few moments ago, that I was in this same room with dozen of people serving our community and laughing with my neighbors? That seemed like years away from where I was now. I grasp for something to fight with, anything I can get my hands on must become a weapon of defense for my survival. My keys are in my hands, I take them and use them to defend against his attacks. Yet they seem like childrens toys compared to the strength that he is throwing my way. The keys are no longer an option to save me. Time keeps ticking and still no one knows the evil that is happening in broad daylight to me. Who will rescue me from this enemy?

The fight is brutal and he is merciless. Yet with every blow I realize that my punches are not stronger than his. I will not be able to win this battle on my own power. So something overtakes me, as his fist makes contact with my face, I begin to speak words of truth and love over my adversary. I speak the name of Jesus and how his love his greater than all this hatred. The man becomes angrier and punches harder. I punch back with as much physical effort as I can, but he has clearly overtaken me and death is now approaching as his hands are wrapped tightly around my neck. He tries to squeeze the life out of me. It gets dark, yet I can still clearly see the light as I feel the presence of the one who never forsakes me so clearly in the room. Evil thinks its triumphing, yet it is radically mistaken. I make the choice to give up the fight with my body so that I can live. As I surrender to a heinous act, the Spirit of God moves within me and words of praise come flowing out of me while I know I am loved and protected. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…. Peace comes and stays with me when it made no sense. This man can have my body, but my soul belongs to someone else.

Ever since that September day 12 years ago, the darkness has tried to overtake me time and time again. I have walked through a journey of PTSD and new found trauma that is so intricately woven into my life. I have gripped a steering wheel and thought about driving it straight off the road wanting to end the pain. I have held pills in my hand, considering what the consequences would be if I just gave in and gave up. Yet, hope and joy continued to find their way into my soul. The light always broke through even if it was just a sliver.

In those early days when my words were few, my prayers were often just repeating “redeem this, redeem my story”. I recently heard someone give the definition of redemption as “punching back”. I love this imagery so much as it hit close to home for me. I experienced a genuine physical attack in which evil quite literally tried to take me out, yet I kept punching back, leaving my mark and never giving up. I refused to let it overtake me and win. Even when it looked like my story was over and on the brink of death, I still found a way to punch back by praising God through it all.

These last few years, the way that I can see redemption is through the way that I am punching back the darkness . I am no longer swinging with my fists but with my life, with my testimony, and with love. The hope that Jesus has filled me with, gives me a reason to keep on singing. Romans 12: 21 says “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good. This is what I believe redemption looks like.

I have seen the ways God has taken my story and brought beauty from ashes. I encountered his goodness on that September day while evil was all around me. He continues to bring hope to my heart each day. There is more than this brokenness that we see and experience in our lives. My spiritual director says that the goodness we see in our lives after trauma is not the reason we suffered, but it’s the choice we make to open our eyes and look for how He’s at work. We can choose to punch back. We can keep getting up even when life throws the worst at us because God is there giving us the strength when we don’t have any of our own. He will always overcome the evil with good.